Welcome to the Gardeners Club


A nice garden can provide a great deal of joy. Much of the hard work necessary may be no laughing matter. This section of your Club has only one purpose - to bring a smile and brighten the day.

Garden jokes, stories and funny things. Perhaps, you have an amusing tale that other members would like to hear. Don't keep it to yourself send it today - jokes@gardenersclub.co.uk


JOKES AND FUNNY THINGS

The Gardeners Hymn

All things bright and beautiful, All creatures great and small, All things wise and wonderful, The Lord God made them all
But what they never mention, Though gardeners know It's true, Is when He made the goodies, He made the baddies too
All things spray and swattable, Disasters great and small, All things paraquatable, The Lord God made them all
The greenfly on the roses, The clubroot on the greens, The slugs that eat your lettuce, And chew the aubergine
The drought that kills the fuchias, The frost that nips the buds, The rain that drowns the seedlings, The blight that hits the spuds
The midges and mosquitoes, The nettles and the weeds, The pigeons in the green stuff, The sparrows on the seeds.
The fly that gets the carrots, The wasp that eats the plums, How black the gardeners outlook, Though green may be his thumbs
But still we gardeners labour, Midst vegetables and flowers, And pray what hits our neighbours, May somehow bypass ours.

Sincerely
Stuart Edwards


On one of those cold winter nights, an old man is sitting by the fire watching his favourite TV programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is tap, tap, tap on the door. He thinks nothing of it and gets back to his TV. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So, a bit cross, he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is this little tap, tap tap on the door.

Up he gets again and opens the door. a quiet little voice shouts out "down here", the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail and the man says, rather sternly, "WHAT DO YOU WANT"?. "I'm cold and I'm hungry, can I come in and sit by your fire and have something to eat"? says the snail. "NO", says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the little snail right over the garden wall. The man then sits down and gets back to his programme.

6 months pass and the old man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to him self for a while and then goes and answers the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again "What do you want"? and the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, "What did you do that for"?

You know you've been gardening too long . . .
when your spouse buys you a composter and you think it's romantic.


People are like potatoes!

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others...
They are called "Speck Tators".

Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin...
They are called "Aggie Tators".

There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing...
We call them "Hezzie Tators".

Some folks spent a lot of time sitting and peering into their garden...
They are called "Medi Tators".

There are those that try to maximize their crop yields while reducing expenses...
We call them "Compu Tators".


Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.


What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato.


Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
The Salad Bar.

Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them.

"Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time"

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think" from Dorothy Parker

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if you could make your green vegetables smell like bacon"


STORIES

Supermole!
Don't be fooled by the innocent looks of the mole; lovely brown fur, sweet little pink nose etc. I recently had the misfortune of having one visit my back garden for refreshments. First a tiny little mound of freshly clawed soil on my lawn and then the one that lets you know this is definitely a mole - and he likes it here. Well this is when you really need to get to grips with your sanity. Unless you know about moles these little creatures can drive one to near insanity. All the hard work you have put in over the years to get that lawn looking as good as the earth will let it, suddenly starts to mean nothing. One after the other these mounds of earth keep appearing and it seems like you can do nothing to prevent it. Well there I was at 2am then 3am then 4am (going to work at 6) and oh yes he has decided to have a night off. Just my luck. This is where I really have to do something about this, so I started to ask questions. Well some of the replies I got weren't even worth thinking about, some were totally stupid. In fact the ones that seemed like they would/could work involved poisons and car exaust fumes. However, during my investigations, I found that my neighbours garden was full of mounds and he keeps dogs, and yes my mole had made its way into my garden from his, so poisons were out. This is where my luck started to change, quite by accident, the day after I was power washing my garden shed. Before I carry on, when you scrape the mound of dirt off your lawn, you don't see the hole and just think how the heck did he get up here. Crafty little beggar fills the hole in after he goes back down. So, power washing my shed I point the jet down the dirt pile and woosh. About 9inches deep a perfectly round hole appears. Approximately the same diameter as a Coke tin. I was quite surprised that this little guy had dug such a perfectly round hole. Quite a little engineer. Well as an engineer by trade I was quite proud of him (well I said it could drive one to insanity). Well the next step was to go and buy a humane mole trap, because I now know where to put it. Down to the local garden centre and about £4 later I'm ready to go. That night I dug a little earth away and carefully laid the trap. What I awoke to the next morning was rather amazing. The little blighter had found his way to the trap, must have had a look at it and thought, yeah right mate, and threw the trap out of the way so he could carry on past and dig more holes in my lawn. I was fuming mad for hours. When I returned home I read the instructions on the moletrap box. What did it say? Yes you've guessed. 'When placing the trap in the hole, PUT A SLATE ON THE TOP TO STOP IT FROM MOVING'. Am I a dummy or what! Well I didn't have a slate so that night I set the trap once again, and put a house brick on top of it, then coverd the hole with a piece of board. The following morning? Well if you can imagine a 50 year old guy dancing around his back garden at 6.30am with all the neighbours staring through their bedroom curtains thinking, 'What in God's name is he doing out in the pouring rain?'. Well what can I say? Other than YES YES YES I've done it! Straight into the car and down to the local park, which is already covered in mole hills. And it's now two weeks since it went and do you know what, I still look out the bedroom window every night - maybe I just miss the little engineer. So if any of you guys out there have trouble with moles, I reckon the best way is to get yourself a trap, and keep the local park warden in work. Bye for now!

Mike M.


Dead but still scaring the birds!
My family have complained over the years about the long hours I spend in the garden, however my daughter has had a good idea, she said "when you die mum we'll have you stuffed and stand you in the garden as a scare crow, that way you can keep your eye on things and we wont miss you half as much because you will still be in the place where you spend the most time.

Helen S.


About two or so years ago we invested in a "Mantis" rotavator, my partner is the head gardener :-) so the mantis was to get my interest, (rather than just using a spade to prop me up as I watched my wife ). In fact my only other gardening interest is a certain ms Dimmock :-)

Anyway, there I am, the mantis all ready to go, kited out in new safety visor and eardeafenders, gloves, boots, off I go. Magic, the mantis is making short work of the allotment, then frantic waving from my wife just gets a puzzled look from me. More frantic shouting, to no avail, the eardeafeners work a treat !

I switch of the mantis, deadly silence follows, even after removing said eardeafenders. "can't you smell something !" exclaims a very mad wife, knowing that my fate is in the balance I just nod no.

Then the smell hits me ! I have just rotivated a whole row of newly planted garlic !

Graham B, Sheffield


I have been plagued with uncooperative legs these last few months and haven't been able to manage the steps down to the bottom of our garden. My husband came in the other day with a bright smile on his face......"you'll be pleased love, there is a lovely patch of of something down there, all nice and healthy looking" he said. With that incentive I managed to get out to see this welcome sign of spring.........Buttercups!!
From Cushy (Elizabeth)

You are probably aware from the press that one of the Million £ questions on Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire was about the Quercus Robur. I wonder how many club members recognised it as our Mighty Oak.
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